Welcome to Emily's Substack!

Welcome to my Substack, which (I learned today) is something of a cross between a blog and an email program. Yes, another platform. I’m so sorry.

Yes, I did create something like a blog on a platform called Medium once, but it created paywalls for readers which I didn’t like. Yes, I have a MailChimp account, or rather, I have 10 of them, because it’s only free for a certain number of recipients, and I tried to sort people into interest areas, depending on what my main activities were at the time, and it became a mess. Yes, I’m on twitter, actively hoping it bursts into flames and then rises from the ashes as a worker-owned cooperative. I also have a website that urgently needs updating. That’s just online! My physical home has another 100 projects, tugging at me for attention.

I’ve spent the last 3 months avoiding the internet as much as humanly possible, trying to escape the overwhelm. Last November’s election nearly destroyed me.

But I’m back today, to face the overwhelm, because I have new information. I’ve put two and two together and figured out that I have (at age 58) hitherto undiagnosed ADHD! It’s so illuminating! Some features of this condition include:

• Despite all good intentions, my brain will not generate enough dopamine to enable me to work on a task that I find boring or meaningless.

• If I find a task that is interesting and meaningful to me, I can focus on it intensely, and be very productive… but often at the end, when it’s time to wrap up the last small details, I lose interest and it doesn’t get done. (write up the final invoice? yeah, that’s important, but… I’ll do it tomorrow)

• I have time blindness — I rarely know what time it is (or even the day of the week), and it’s very difficult for me to estimate how long something will take. Don’t ask me “when will dinner be ready?” — ask me “is dinner ready?” I can give two useful answers: “it’s ready now” or “it’s not ready now.”

• I have been this way forever but (like many women, especially) I have been pretty good at masking it. I write lists and I keep calendars and run timers and I refer to them constantly, because I don’t want to miss a deadline or forget an appointment or arrive at a place without an essential item. That would be irresponsible and unforgivable! I’ve got PTSD over it, I think.

• I get a rising level of background anxiety if I haven’t referred to and updated my lists lately, because of my fear of missing something by accident and being judged as irresponsible (by others, but especially by myself). Ironically, I even take on more tasks sometimes in order to make sure I’m being very responsible! (facepalm)

• I am naturally enthusiastic and exuberant (so many ideas! so much creativity!) but I have learned to hide it, because it gets me in trouble. When I exuberantly exclaim to a group that maybe we could do x,y,z to help raise funds for a,b,c, people tend to think I am seriously proposing ALL of it. Then they are apt to complain that I’m being impractical, when I only meant to generate new ideas from outside the box. Or, they are apt to say, “that’s great, Emily, report back when you’ve done it all and we’ll celebrate!” I’ve learned to just stay quiet a lot. However, it’s not nice to feel like I’m numbing down my natural state of being in order to fit in or to avoid creating additional overwhelm for myself.

• Like others with ADHD, I have a chronic chemical shortage of epinephrine, which is necessary for the brain’s executive function. It’s hard to make decisions! Of course, if I let a situation become urgent (tax return is due next week, oh no!) then my body will generate bonus epinephrine, and I’ll be able to think of and execute a plan (I’m not making dinner or cleaning or doing these 5 tasks this week, because I have to do the taxes, and I’ll be up to 2 am each night.) The job gets done, but my body does not thank me.

• Like others with ADHD, I have some challenges with playing societal roles. Society seems to expect that I should have a different “aloofness” level for each hat that I wear. But I find it complicated enough to just be me. With my “local Democratic party leader” hat on, I should be partisan and tough-minded, but my “local grassroots progressive leader” role expects me to be nurturing and supportive of everyone, especially newcomers. How do I act? What do I say? I basically listen to my gut and try to act and speak from kindness and not from anger, in all situations, and if I can do that, I’m satisfied (but others aren’t, sometimes….)

• Feeling overwhelmed is 100% normal for someone with ADHD. It is not a sign of weakness or a sign that they are irresponsible or not suited for a certain role.

• There are some natural remedies that seem to help! I will report on my experiences at some point in this blog, I’m sure. There are also some tricks and hacks that ADHDers can use to reduce stress and be happier. I’m just beginning to learn about these and apply them. For example, if I have a boring but necessary task coming up, and I am inclined to procrastinate on doing it, or lose focus during it, I can pair the task with something I like, and that will generate the dopamine I need to get it done or to stay focused. I’m mending socks (fun) during evening zoom meetings (dull) now, and what a difference it makes!

Some people will very likely advise me not to put all this personal information about myself out on the internet, because someone might use it against me or have less respect for me because I’ve been so open. My response is: At least 4% of Americans adults have ADHD, most are undiagnosed, and if I can help them feel more understood and validated for WHO THEY ARE, I will be happy. I don’t aspire to run for elected office, and in fact I don’t plan to work in any office setting if I can help it. I think I can handle a little embarrassment. It’s nothing compared to feeling like a failure for half a century, because I couldn’t manage to focus on a certain career path, or balance career/life/parenthood, or get my invoices or taxes done in a sane, orderly, way. I’m pretty normal and OK, for a person wired with ADHD, and if you see something of yourself in my story — be happy! Go wild. Be exuberant. Change the world, your way.

OK, now Substack is advising me….

Who am I inviting to this Substack? Basically, everyone, because it is too complicated for me to put all of you in different categories based on where we met or what interests we have in common. I’m going to invite everyone from my various mailchimp email lists and other places.

What is my plan? I will write about many very different topics… (maybe once a week? who knows, I’m time-blind!) and sometimes my posts may not be interesting at all to you and you will want to skip/delete. That’s OK by me if it’s OK by you.

Will there be a paid subscription option? I don’t know. Maybe if I started getting stalked by right-wingers, I’ll make a paid section so at least they will have to give me some money if they want to harass me in that setting. For now, it’s all free. (Free for you, free for me….)